Secret Body Language Tactics for Handling Difficult People at Work and More | Communication Strategies--Effective Communication Skills

Let me give an example--a quick one--a danger phrase that blocks communication, that communication skills coach Dan O'Connor will be discussing in this professional communication training online.  "Let's agree to disagree" or "I disagree."   Did you know that these phrases actually elicit a physical negative response in the hearer--one that would register on a lie detector test, e.g.?  You automatically make the listener defensive when you use these words.  Change the "I disagree" to "I see things differently" and watch what happens.  Simply saying "I see things differently" is not confrontational.  Your listener will not be thinking of ways to counter what you're saying (while you're talking, btw), the way he/she would be doing if you were saying "well, we'll just have to agree to disagree."  DON'T SAY THAT--unless you want a fight, of course.  Effective communication strategies allow you to engage in mindful communication--with a goal of reaching an understanding.  It's not about scoring points and trying to win a debate.  That is reserved for debate class; scoring points has no place in civil discourse.  A good rule of thumb before choosing your words would be:  Am I trying to persuade?  Am I trying to understand?  Do I want to be understood?  Or am I showing off and trying to "win"?  Usually in "winning" we alienate and lose our audience.  People don't want to lose; they want to understand and be understood.

Just as Dan gives you danger and power phrases in this video--to help with your communication skills--he gives you body language tactics and tips for dealing with difficult people at work.  For example, Dan goes over the "Surrender" principle--three steps that will allow you to give in to the thinking/strategy of the other regarding an issue that is NOT paramount to you, knowing that you're paving the way for their listening and supporting YOU when you next need that support on an issue/program/solution that IS paramount to you.  You give them support and respect on their issue (which is not your issue) in the hopes that in the future, they will remember that, and support YOU (when the issue is very important to YOU.)

Want to know how to say NO??  Keep watching the video.  (Spoiler alert--Follow your simple "no" with the broken record.  Works every time with the annoying pest who doesn't want to take "no" for an answer.)

If you need 30-minutes of tips about effective communication strategies, body language tips, and dealing with difficult people tactics--if you are looking for the specific words--you've come to the right video!  There is so much more, but I wanted to give you just a hint of what this video covers.  Welcome to real, serious, effective, tactical communication with Dan O'Connor--Dan O'Connor who gives you the words.

 

Video Transcript:

[Music] hi everybody this is dan oconnor coming to you live from beautiful downtown White Rock New Mexico and I'm gonna start off this week talking about our visual and vocal tactics this week we've got a great lineup we're gonna be talking about some visual and vocal tactics will of course be talking about some danger phrases some danger phrases and power phrases of course we'll be

 

Doing a couple of difficult people strategies and our principal of the week we've got a lot of great things to talk about and as I mentioned we're gonna start out talking about our visual and vocal strategies for the week and the first visual strategy that I'd like to discuss with you is to sidle up to men when you sidle up to a man what that means is really about how you position yourself it tends to be that if we are men which I men we tend to communicate

 

Like this men when we talk to other men tend to have our heads tilted to the side you ever notice that so when i naturally communicate with another man i tend to be not facing him head-on but instead we tend to be kind of shoulder to shoulder while we communicate and women tend to communicate head-on shoulders to shoulders so the challenge comes in when we communicate between the sexes so if a man communicates with a woman what we tend to do is we will

 

Naturally kind of turn to the side as we start to talk to her and women tend to do this little dance around us like why won't you just basically want you to talk to me and a woman tends to approach a man head-on and what that triggers in a man is a sign of aggression you know it tends to be you know if you have dogs you know that when dogs approach one another face-to-face that tends to be an aggressive situation when dogs are being friendly and kind of

 

Sniffing each other out they go side by side and they go around each other you know what I mean and men we have that same communication pattern built into us where when we are being aggressive with one another we will face each other head-on as we disagree or as we argue a point and once we're done arguing we'll turn back to the side so if a woman approaches us face-to-face that triggers that natural instinct of oh this is a aggressive situation and

 

You'll notice that when you face a man and start speaking face on shoulders to shoulders or arms tend to go up like this as we speak and as we communicate from the side our arms will shift and change and kind of get off of our chest because we don't feel the need to protect ourselves so women remember when you're communicating with a man sidle up if you're a woman and you have men in your life chances are you've noticed that one of the best times to

 

Communicate with the man in your life as you drive down the street you ever notice that a lot of women will tell me you don't they'll say oh some of the best conversations I've had with my husband are as we drive down the street and one of the reasons is because of the way you are positioned men tend to just naturally open up but when we're sitting next to somebody and don't have to look at you face to face it's just something that's built into us so if you're a

 

Woman remember that and to open up the lines of communication in a man position yourself accordingly silo if you are a man remember that to open up the lines of communication more effectively and most women approach them and communicate head-on shoulders to shoulders and that simple strategy of positioning yourself more consciously when communicating with the opposite sex will help open up the lines of communication and make you a more savvy powerful productive

 

Communicator simple now I'd like to talk about the verbal component of a message when we send it remember in one of our previous lessons we discussed there are three components to every message that we send there is a verbal component the words there is a vocal component the tone and there is a visual component basically everything else we just discussed the visual component how when you're communicating between the sexes positioning yourself carefully really

 

Can add to or take away from your message and do you remember what percentage of the message is vocal the tone in our voice remember that approximately 38% of the message that we send in person is the tone in our voice many of us struggle with getting others to find us credible or powerful or confident and for many of us a big reason other people don't take us as seriously as they could is the tone in our voice

 

If you for example watch Oprah Winfrey and you watch the first episode of The Oprah Show and then you watch the last episode of The Oprah Show you will notice that she lowered her voice more than an octave about an octave and a half and the reason she did that is because in general for most women lowering your voice is going to help you find what's called your power tone and project more of an image of power and confidence and professionalism

 

For example Katie Couric you'll notice when she started doing the nightly news from she started off actually in the morning doing some type of morning show and when she did her morning show and when she did her evening show you'll notice that when she made that transition her evening show required her to convey more power and substance so she dropped her voice more than an octave in one day when she went from the morning to the evening because she knew

 

That the evening audience wanted her to be more credible and serious and powerful so many times a woman drops her voice almost an octave to find her power tone not all the time sometimes women have to actually raise their voice and a lot of men have to raise their voice to find their power tone I'm gonna give you a simple quick effective trick to help you find your power tone right now and I what I'd like you to do is pretend that I just said

 

Something to you really profound and do you really agree with it and I'd like you to do this say mmm-hmm okay do that mmm-hmm do it again mmm-hmm one more time mmm-hmm what I'd like you to do is notice that particular vibration put your fingers on this part of your throat and say mm mm mm hmm now what I'd like you to do until our next lesson is when you have time is you're going around the house doing your day to day activities

 

Practice finding that vibration because what you want to do is find that vibration and start with it when you're delivering a message and you need to be seen as powerful and confident and savvy and all of that good stuff because when you do this when you say mmm-hmm that vibration at the end is the range where you will find your power tone now don't worry if that range when you say mmm-hmm is very different from your regular speaking voice if you're

 

Gonna give let's say a presentation or have a job interview or a meeting with a prospective client or when you're about to find yourself in a situation maybe doing some public speaking and you think boy I need to use every trick in the book to help boost my confidence and project a powerful image you only need to use your power tone for the first 30 seconds of your message because remember when we first hear somebody speak our brain subconsciously forms an impression

 

Of that person we create our first impression pretty rapidly and by the time 30 seconds has passed whoever's listening to you will have judged you and will have made will a form to their impression of you so you only really have to worry about using your power tone like for example right now I am speaking to you and what would be considered my power tone because when I say mmm-hmm it's that vibration that I'll end with and I only have to worry

 

About speaking in this tone for 30 seconds then you've formed your opinion and I can go ahead and speak however I choose isn't that great so remember the next time you're about to give a presentation make an important phone call meet somebody new give a speech and you think I'm gonna use every strategy I can to appear powerful and confident before you begin speaking take a moment to go off in private chances are you don't want to hook up a mic and start

 

Going mmm with an audience listening to you but take a moment before you give that presentation to find your power tone because remember that is going to convey or take away from your personal power more than the words that you're about to speak simple that is how you find your power tone all right now I'd like to get to our danger phrases and power phrases for the week if you know me you know how much I love

 

Danger phrases and power phrases because they're quick easy ways to take immediate steps towards your communication goal by just changing around a word here and there and the first danger phrases I'd like to talk to you about are for home and danger phrase number one is you said remember the next time at home when you're about to use the phrase you said the phrase you said tends to speed up our self-talk because remember last week we talked about how

 

Many words per minute the average person speaks to himself or herself and the average person's self-talk is running at about 850 words per minute and using a phrase such as well you just said or you said yada-yada-yada only speeds up that self-talk especially because we want to remember that the average person more than half the time we think we're saying one thing and we're actually saying another so if you said to the average person did you just say yada-yada-yada

 

And you repeat it back to that person word-for-word what they just said over half the time they're going to either think or say no that's not what I just said even though it was and that's just something we all want to keep in mind because it's something we all do we might think we're saying one thing but we're actually saying another so instead of causing more confrontation or speeding up self-talk because even if somebody doesn't say to you that's not

 

What I said they're probably gonna think it is not what I said but whatever go on to eliminate that self-talk instead use the power phrase I heard sounds simple right so instead of saying to somebody wait a minute did you just say XYZ try using phrases such as let me clarify what I heard before I respond alright so remember let me clarify what I heard before I respond is going to get you where you want to go more often and more effectively then all right let me just

 

Get this straight you just said so remember danger phrase you said power phrase I heard talk about what you heard rather than what they said and you'll be much more successful in reaching your communication goal in the next danger phrase I have for home is don't take this the wrong way but or no offense but we've all heard people say that to us and we know speaking of self-talk we know the moment somebody says to us hey

 

Don't take this the wrong way or yeah no offense but we know that they're about to say something offensive and the way we're about to take it is exactly the way they intended it offensively so instead of making that mistake really when we say to somebody hey no offense but or don't take this the wrong way but what we're really doing is we're saying something that we acknowledge that we know is offensive and we're gonna say it anyway and we're just going to try and

 

Kind of give ourselves permission to say that offensive thing by preface it with the phrase such as don't take this the wrong way but or no offense but when that does nothing to diminish the rudeness or the offensiveness of the phrase that follows those statements so you know sometimes there are not power phrases that we use to substitute a danger phrase we don't always have pears this or these phrases no offense but or don't take this the wrong way or what we

 

Call purge phrases these are what we call delete phrases there's no phrase that you would use to substitute a phrase like don't take this the wrong way but or no offense but instead what I'd like you to do the next time you're about to say one of those phrases is stop do your cost-benefit analysis and ask yourself what would the benefit be for me saying what I'm thinking of saying what would the price be because chances are the real price of

 

Saying something that comes after one of those phrases is you're about to hurt the person's feelings to whom you're speaking that's generally what's gonna happen is you're going to hurt them I mean you can call it many things but chances are what you're to say is going to hurt and I'd like you to ask yourself is it worth paying that price to get whatever it is that you're trying to get you know generally we are communicating in an unconscious level

 

We're not consciously communicating we're speaking our mind so to speak and we all know people who use phrases such as well I just tell it like a TI is I just speak my mind I can't help it I say what I think and remember in one of our previous lessons I can't help it is a danger phrase to say I can't help but say what I think is a pure fallacy we can all help what we say and we can all choose what we do our cost-benefit analysis we can choose to be kind or we

 

Can choose to be right we can choose to be right or we can choose to be effective and many times we are again we're not consciously communicating the next time you're about to say something such as no offense but or don't think this the wrong way but stop and use that as an opportunity to more consciously communicate do your cost-benefit analysis what would I get out of saying what I'm about to say what price would I have to pay or would that person have to

 

Pay and is it worth it and then proceed with caution and if you're going to say something that you know to be offensive just say it don't preface it with something like don't take this the wrong way but or no offense but just rip that band-aid off and say it and then pay the price the next two danger phrases I'm going to give you are for work and danger phrase number one is a better idea or a better solution later on we're gonna be talking

 

About how it's more powerful instead of saying I have an idea to say I have a solution or I have a proposal but with that said the next time at work when you're about to say to somebody hey I have a better idea or I have a better solution think about why your idea or your solution or your proposal is better and state that so for example instead of saying oh I have a better solution listen to how much more powerful it is

 

When you would instead say something such as well I have a more time-saving solution or I have a more cost-effective solution or I have a more employee focused solution there you go so instead of sin please stating I have a better idea or I have a better solution determine why is your idea or your solution better and state that instead of the word better and people will receive your message with more open arms because instead of

 

Simply stating it to be better you're stating why you think it's better and the next danger phrase I have for work is I disagree you know we've all heard people say to us well I understand what you're saying I just disagree and those are fighting words you know what I mean or we'll have people say to us things like this because they learn this in a communication conference I respectfully disagree and there's nothing respectful about that I mean you

 

Either agree or you don't and we've all heard somebody say things like this well let's just agree to disagree really those are fightin words right am i right those are fighting words there is a biochemical reaction that is caused by using words such as I disagree with you you know basically every word that we hear has a biochemical effect on us if we were hooked up to those brain machines like lie-detector machines you can you can

 

See on the screen when people hear emotionally charged language such as if you were just right now to hear phrases that include words such as my last kill murder I apologize for saying those things because right now if you had been hooked up to a lie-detector machine you would have actually seen movement because words and phrases have a biochemical effect on other people I want to keep that in mind and a simple phrase such as I disagree with you has a

 

Negative biochemical effect on the recipient so instead if you choose a Savi or phrase such as well I can understand why you'd see it that way I simply see it differently but go on tell me more this is interesting ha and you use the phrase I see it differently or I see it another way you're going to avoid creating that negative biochemical reaction and the person to whom you're speaking and even on a more conscious level those are not

 

Fighting words those are not confrontational words those are simply saying your opinion is valid I understand your perspective I simply have a different perspective and talking about your perspective or the way you see rather than using the phrase I disagree will make you a more powerful communicator because you're using more powerful phrases simple and now let's get on to are dealing with difficult

 

People tactics for the week the first tactic I'd like to talk with you about is the surrender tactic you know I had a woman once in one of my conferences who came up to me and she said you know at work they told me that I was too aggressive and too negative because when somebody brought up a solution or an idea I would express my opinion if I didn't agree with it by person I'm talking about my boss and so I decided okay the next time I

 

Don't agree I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut and so my boss told me about one of her ideas and she said here it is you gotta you gotta you gotta and I didn't say anything because I figured I don't want to get in trouble for being negative or state in my opinion and so that time I got written up because I was told my silence was aggressive what am I supposed to do about that and I thought you know she was not alone many of us

 

Have found ourselves in that particular conundrum where we're thinking okay I don't agree with what that person is saying the path that they're choosing to take is not a path that I want to go down however I don't want to seem negative I just want to state my opinion for example for the record but we also want to be seen at work of course as somebody who's fair and flexible because if we are seen as fair and flexible people will be more fair and flexible

 

With us so what I'd like you to do is find situations where people are proposing some solution or some path that they want to go down and if it's something that really isn't going to affect your career development if it's something that's not the biggest deal to you you can kind of take it or leave it whether they implement their plan or whether they do what you wanted to find areas that you can surrender there in areas in which you can surrender and do

 

It and to surrender there's a three step process that I'd like you to follow step number one state what your objection is and a very savvy way to state what your objection is is to simply use the phrase it's difficult for me to see how that will work so say that out loud it's difficult for me to see how that will work say it again it's difficult for me to see how that will work one more time and it's yours it's difficult for me to see how that will work that is

 

How we state our objection now I'd like you to step number two convey trust so step number one was to state your objection step number two is to convey trust and a very simple way to convey trust is to say is to say to somebody however I trust your judgment so say that I trust your judgment say that again I trust your judgment one last time it's yours I trust your judgment and step number three in the surrender

 

Process is show your support and now to show your support and to say I trust your judgment does not mean that ah you are the master I am totally an AA and I agree with everything you're saying it's simply giving somebody the professional discretion that they deserve and that you deserve sometimes you agree with some people sometimes you don't but when you find areas in which you can surrender and

 

Even though you don't necessarily see it the same way you're gonna let them have the professional freedom that you both deserve support them in a very simple way to show support for other people is to say you have my support simple so to put it all together the three steps of surrendering are to say to somebody you know it's difficult for me to see how that will work however I trust your judgment and you have my support ah now that you've done that you have gone on

 

Record stating the fact that hey this is not the way that I would choose to go just so y'all know but you're not doing it in a way that's a little ink or that's confrontational or that's negative you're simply stating hey it's difficult for me to see how that will work but I'm open and I trust your judgment and you have my support simple and the more fair and flexible you are remember with other people the more fair and flexible you will be

 

Perceived and the more fair and flexible others will be with you so actually actively look for situations in you can surrender and do it now you know how and now I'd like to talk about saying no many of you struggle with saying no I struggle with saying no because I'm more passive by nature I'm not a really aggressive communicator by nature and when I deal with somebody who won't take no for an answer or somebody who's pushy it can be difficult to say

 

No and hold our ground and many of us get pushed over by more aggressive personality types who don't want to take no for an answer and the reason we get pushed over is because we don't have a plan so what I'm gonna do right now is give you the plan for the next time you need to say no now we'll be covering different ways to say no there's a two-step process which I'm going to cover now there's a three-step process there's a four-step process and

 

It really all depends on who you're saying no to this type of note is for somebody whose opinion at this moment you're not really valuing you know this is not for maybe my boss who I'm looking for we're looking to for career advancement it's not to use with the client who's made a request of me and I need to decline that request because I simply cannot fulfill it this is to be used with somebody in the office like maybe a beggar somebody who's you know

 

Always asking you for money you're asking you for time and you simply don't want to give it and you don't want to get a long drawn-out explanation so are you ready this is your plan now for those of you who have trouble saying no get ready here it is step number one you use the phrase I can't so you can you can also say if you'd like to unfortunately I can't so no matter what they're asking you for hey Dan can you donate 50 bucks to the

 

Cause hey Dan can you stay after work for a couple hours hey Dan can you help clean up after the party on Friday night you can almost always start using the phrase you know what unfortunately I can't and when you say to somebody I can't what is the number one response that you're gonna get why not that's what most people say right why how come why not and to that you're going to simply respond because I cannot or because I can't so remember the the word

 

Because it a magic word they do these studies where they'll have people for example try to budge in line at the movies and the budget line a hundred times it'll try to a budget line a hundred times and they'll say to the people at the front of the line hey can I cut in front of you my girlfriend's waiting in the car and people will the vast majority will say no and they'll have that same person go up to another hundred people and say

 

To them hey can I cut in front of you because my girlfriend's wait in the car the only thing they'll do is change the message by inserting the word because in the middle and three times more people will say yes you can budge in front of me when you use the word because people are more likely to accept your ideas when you simply throw in the word because and so if I say to you after saying to you I can't and you say well why not and I say to you because I just

 

Can't or because I simply can't watch how many people will do this they'll say oh I understand like you just gave them an answer and if they don't remember to use the broken record that's step number three so step number one is to say I can't or unfortunately I cannot or unfortunately the answer has to be no and when they say why not say because I can't or because the answer has to be no and when they push it and start trying to knock you off your game or to get you

 

To say different words remember use the broken record don't start giving explanations or they'll know they have you on the run instead simply hold your ground and think what did I just say a moment to go oh I simply can't so if I'm talking to John for example and John says hey Deann you want to go in for drinks after work and I say oh I can't John might say welcome and I'll say because I just can't what are you doing I just can't can you come for just a few

 

Minutes I can't well what's more important than coming up with the game I can't keep repeating yourself remember when people hear you say the same words over and over and over again that's not rude on your part for repeating yourself it's rude for somebody to keep pushing you after you've already said no I don't want to do that no I cannot so don't worry about being rude the person will recognize you as one of those you know if you say to somebody I just can't 3

 

Times in a row the third time that you say it that person might think or even say yeah I just can't and that's fine because remember you're not saying no for them you're saying no for you and using the broken record makes it more effective it makes it easier and you will notice how people will start respecting your know a lot sooner in the game because they'll recognize you as somebody who's not a pushover and who's no actually means no and you'll be

 

Perceived as that person because you had a simple to us because you had a simple process a simple three-step process number one say no say I cannot say unfortunately I can't number two use the word because and then repeat yourself because I just can't because unfortunately I can't and step number three use the broken record until they go away very simple and very effective and the last thing I'd like to talk about is our principal for the week

 

And this week remember what I'd like you to do before we go ahead and talk about this principal is complete step three of your personal compass there's a worksheet included with your materials and the worksheet is about is for making step three if your personal compass step three is you're going to write down what you want you know for example I want peace love I want financial independence that's a good one I want freedom I want join happiness I want to make a

 

Difference in the world what do you want remember that in an airplane for example airplanes are off course ninety-nine percent of the time they are but they eventually get to where they're going because they are constantly adjusting in midair because they know where they eventually want to go so even though they're off course most of the time they eventually get to their destination because they keep adjusting and they keep adjusting because they know what

 

The eventual destination is many of us have not taken the time to really honor ourselves and honor our families by deciding what is it that we want you know what is it that you're that you're going to work for every day what is it that you wake up for and work hard for every day what is it that you're using this commute Kayson program for what is it that you want I'm going to ask you to go through that worksheet and write it down write

 

Down a few things that you want what are some you can call them goals you can call them objectives but write some of them down because this week's principle of the week is decide what you want and be okay with being off track you know be okay with having to readjust a lot be okay with forgiving yourself and saying well that did not work out what I just wanted to say and trying something a little bit different the next time but we will never get to our final

 

Destination if we have not yet determined what it is right and you know it used to be the people who wrote down where they were going or wrote down their goals wrote down their objectives and focused on those those people were called witches and those things that they wrote down were called spells because they magically came to pass simply because they wrote them down there really is power and writing down what our goals are even if it's just one

 

Time the universe will conspire in your favor to help make that come to pass but we have to do our part as well and we have to recognize that each word that we speak in each thought that we think is either bringing us towards our goal or what we want or taking us away from it so taking a moment to write down what it is that you want will help you eventually get there and remember it is okay to be off track 99% of the time because when we choose incorrectly when

 

We make a communication mistake guaranteed we will have the opportunity to repeat that situation because until we get it right until we work through whatever it is inside of us that we need to work through so that we can achieve our success whatever that means to you those situations will keep coming up again and again and again and again maybe in different people maybe in the same people but you know how that goes when we choose incorrectly in one of our

 

Relationships whatever that issue was were we chosen correctly is going to manifest again whether it's in that relationship or another relationship and we will be given the opportunity to choose again but it's difficult to know which paths to choose when we've never written down where it is that we're going at the end of the day so remember it's okay to be off track most of the time but what I'd like you to do right now is to take out your worksheet

 

On step three in creating a personal compass and jot down some things that you want and remember to be okay with being off track most of the time [Music]

 

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If your organization could use a practiced and internationally acclaimed keynote speaker at your next event or convention, contact Dan at danoconnortraining.com.  Or if you just want more online solutions and help with effective communication skills, interpersonal skills, and/or customer service skills, go to danoconnortraining.com and look around at the free resources and premium materials designed to help you achieve your objectives. Remember, Dan doesn't focus on meaningless communication theory that you memorize and never use.  Dan gives you the words you can use to change your communication patterns, your personal relationships and yes--your life.